How Big IS My Heart?
I will never forget my first Sales Meeting after having Olivia. It felt so great to reconnect with everyone and see our team. Our VP of sales and I started talking about my day to day, transition to becoming a mother and he started inquiring about how I'm managing travel while being a mom. At that time, I had 4 different family members watching Olivia...so MANAGING was the right word to describe the madness (we'll get in to that a little bit later).
After hearing what I'm doing, he said: "That's awesome, sounds like you found your balance". I started to nod rapidly with a dumb smile on my face. Have I?
Because of the flexibility of my job, I was able to schedule my lunches at home to be able to see Olivia. My office days are spent at home...so during my quick 5 - 10 minute breaks throughout the day, I could run upstairs and get my "fix". Traveling was rough. I hated being away and I did everything in my power to shorten my trips and get home to my little for bed time...even if it meant doing day trips from St. Louis to KC! On the weekends, ESPECIALLY during the weeks when I was traveling, going out with friends or my husband wasn't even an option! Are you kidding me??? I already spend enough time away from my kid...DON'T EVEN MENTION ANYTHING THAT WOULD REQUIRE ME BEING AWAY FROM HER!!!! WTF?
I started to get less and less phone calls and invites from friends and my husband stopped suggesting date nights. I was totally comfortable with the cocoon that I've created.
One night, as Olivia was already in bed and I was enjoying my nightly snuggle session with my dog on the couch, because she was getting neglected way more now than before, my then fiance looked at me and said: "Babe, I feel like there's no more room in your heart for me." WHOA! Talking about getting hit like a ton of bricks! This is horrible, but I didn't even consider HIM in this whole situation. I realized that even though I felt like I had it all together, my balance was way off! Before Olivia came and shook up my world, I remember always saying: "My husband will always come first"...why was that so easy to forget?
I was taking for granted the fact that he was always there. It started to feel like a partnership vs. a relationship! We started to focus more on things outside of us than our actual relationship, because that was always there! Without having healthy and steady relationships, especially, with your significant other, the balance will not work...it's an illusion.
Our first date night away from Olivia and her first overnight without us occurred when she was 9 month! That's an embarrassing one to admit! However, it was an eye opener of how much we needed it! Time on the couch after bedtime doesn't count! I thought it would...but it's not the same! We got out, we got to be us, remember what made us laugh outside of just what our kid did, what made us have fun in public and with friends and just be a couple! Although having a committed, weekly date night is still in progress, we have made a conscious effort to carve time with each other! And do you know the best part of all of it? After a fun night out or a trip...we get to come home to the best thing in the world! Turns out, my heart is big enough...bigger than I ever thought actually...just needed a few wake up calls and time away from my cacoon to truly appreciate EVERY aspect and relationship in my world!